Shop Talk
anyone have any jokes
I'm a professional stand-up comic. (http://www.myspace.com/shanemorris)
Here's a few.
I dont hit women... I hit a hooker with a d*ck.
A boner is like an ugly sweater. It's uncomfortable, and you usually get it from a family member.
If Whoopi Goldberg had been cast in "Pretty Woman", it would have been called "Pretty Crackwh*re". What other black women without eyebrows and dreadlocks do you know that don't suck c*ck for a living.
Here's a few.
I dont hit women... I hit a hooker with a d*ck.
A boner is like an ugly sweater. It's uncomfortable, and you usually get it from a family member.
If Whoopi Goldberg had been cast in "Pretty Woman", it would have been called "Pretty Crackwh*re". What other black women without eyebrows and dreadlocks do you know that don't suck c*ck for a living.
...
What is a man's ultimate emberassment??
Running into a wall while he has an errection and breaking his nose!
Running into a wall while he has an errection and breaking his nose!
...
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS
We've all heard about people having guts or balls..
But do you really know the difference between them? In an
effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and asking:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying:
"You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject!
Always be yourself! The people that mind, don't matter and the people that matter, don't mind...
(continues)
We've all heard about people having guts or balls..
But do you really know the difference between them? In an
effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and asking:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying:
"You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject!
Always be yourself! The people that mind, don't matter and the people that matter, don't mind...
(continues)
...
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you
died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight.
I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I sear...
(continues)
died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight.
I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I sear...
(continues)
...
A f*g was walking along in the country side, past some barns, up a dirt path, and over rolling grass hills. Then he stumbles upon a farmer and a sheep. The sheeps head was stuck in the fence and the farm was directly behind the sheep trying to pull it out, so the f*g naturally wants to help, being the kind caring guy he is. So he walks up to the farmer and asks "can I help out," the farmer turns around zips up his pants and says, "no she's stuck, you wanta turn?" So the f*g sticks his head in the fence. π€£ Yeah all that for that. π
...
How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza! π€£ π€£ π€£ π€£
Pay him for the pizza! π€£ π€£ π€£ π€£
...
You might be a redneck if your senior prom had daycare π€£ π€£ π€£ π
...
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you
will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill
her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot
my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five
minutes. Then the man came out with tears i...
(continues)
checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you
will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill
her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot
my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five
minutes. Then the man came out with tears i...
(continues)
...
LMAO π€£ so wrong here i got another lol
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.
π€£
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.
π€£
...
Three little ducks go into a bar .........
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is...
(continues)
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is...
(continues)
...
WHILE SHE WAS "FLYING DOWN THE ROAD YESTERDAY (10 MILES OVER
LIMIT) A WOMAN PASSED OVER A BRIDGE ONLY TO FIND A COP WITH A RADAR GUN
ON THE SIDE ...LYING IN WAIT.
THE COP PULLED HER OVER, WALKING UP TO HER CAR, AND WITH THAT
CLASSIC PATRONIZING SMIRK WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE... ASKING."WHAT'S YOUR
HURRY?...
TO WHICH SHE REPLIED," I AM LATE FOR WORK"...
"OH YEAH," SAID THE COP. " WHAT DO YOU DO?"
"I'M A RECTUM STRETCHER" SHE RESPONDED...
THE COP STAMMERED " A WHAT?" A RECTUM STRETCHER? AND JUST WHAT
DOES A RECTUM STRETCHER DO?...
(continues)
LIMIT) A WOMAN PASSED OVER A BRIDGE ONLY TO FIND A COP WITH A RADAR GUN
ON THE SIDE ...LYING IN WAIT.
THE COP PULLED HER OVER, WALKING UP TO HER CAR, AND WITH THAT
CLASSIC PATRONIZING SMIRK WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE... ASKING."WHAT'S YOUR
HURRY?...
TO WHICH SHE REPLIED," I AM LATE FOR WORK"...
"OH YEAH," SAID THE COP. " WHAT DO YOU DO?"
"I'M A RECTUM STRETCHER" SHE RESPONDED...
THE COP STAMMERED " A WHAT?" A RECTUM STRETCHER? AND JUST WHAT
DOES A RECTUM STRETCHER DO?...
(continues)
...
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, βWhat do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!βΒ π€£
...
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
π€£ hahahahahahaa
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
π€£ hahahahahahaa
...
