Shop Talk
Hi Everyone
Does anyone know any good jokes, on this rainy boring Memorial Day?
...
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord
dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an o...
(continues)
One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord
dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an o...
(continues)
...
True Story (or so they say)
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer he...
(continues)
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer he...
(continues)
...
A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot,
who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician's disappearing acts.
The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot couldn't figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician's performance,the ship hit an iceberg and sank.
Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot.
The magician managed to swim to a piece of
wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician, perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious,
...
(continues)
who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician's disappearing acts.
The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot couldn't figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician's performance,the ship hit an iceberg and sank.
Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot.
The magician managed to swim to a piece of
wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician, perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious,
...
(continues)
...
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter,Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in ...
(continues)
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter,Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in ...
(continues)
...
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh ...
(continues)
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh ...
(continues)
...
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a ...
(continues)
Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a ...
(continues)
...
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog.
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk,took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.
The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that that was good.
The chemist said t...
(continues)
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog.
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk,took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.
The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that that was good.
The chemist said t...
(continues)
...
