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Is Tracfone the New Messiah?

by djdelay    Feb 16, 2006, 8:08 PM

Or just another charismatic fanatic bent on corrupting your children and leading them down the dark and sordid path of culthood? It was this question that many parents regrettably discovered the answer to this past week.

The calls started pouring into 911 at exactly 2:31 AM CST, Monday morning. Citizens of Bucksnort, TN were calling into their local police department in a panic after hearing a deafening explosion and being blinded by a brilliant flash that filled the sky. Afraid that terrorists had attacked the thriving metropolis, many of the citizens hid in their bomb shelter/outhouses and awaited the all-clear.

It was not the work of terrorists, the authorities later found out. Instead, it was the final act of a group of misled teenagers. After firefighters rushed to put out the raging inferno, detectives found evidence that there may have been over 200 youth inside the building. Also, they found evidence of literature and artwork depicting a fanatically religious group devoted to the worship and reverence of Tracfone. The entire group wore a pseudo-uniform comprised of very large FUBU jeans and a large, overstuffed ski jacket. Even though this style seems inspired by the hip-hop subculture, 98% of the group was comprised of lower class caucasian teenagers. It also seems that each member had a quantity of drugs stashed in their bedrooms. It is believed that they all sold the drugs.

When reached for comment, one of the parents of the victims had this to say, "Jared was such a good kid. We never knew it would lead to this when we let him get that phone. Why, God, Why?"

Even though all of the literature refers to Tracfone as the supreme power, there is no real evidence to link Tracfone directly to the horrific event. Tracfone is still at large today, but could not be reached for comment. Tracfone's secretary only had this to say, "Mwahahaha!"

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