Unknown stranger: I am amp'd mobile. i am here to save ray romano. TRY NOT TO DIE, AMP'D MOBILE IS COMING!
Juan: that's my line.
amp'd: (charging door) here i come YEHAAAAA...(grating noises)
Juan: it would appear as though amp'd just ran into the blender that was being brought into the house. the blender seems to be broken, amp'd seems to be a bloody mary. ANYONE GOT A CELERY STICK?
Mike (news anchor): Juan, what is happening at the house?
Juan: F*** you sitting up there making all the money while i'm sitting here watching a house with a phone, a F***ing phone holding a guy hostage. what the hell man, what the hell?
Mike: we go now live inside the house where Tracfone has allowed us to broadcast the events.
Tracfone: hi, tracfone here. apparently noone wanted to work at saving mr. romano so now he must die. and here is what will happen. can i get the visual please? thank you. first ray will warm up for his events by having his left leg grated to the knee by an industrial cheese grater. thanks to everman for the hookup on the grater. afterwords he will be locked in a room for a marathon of matthew lesko infomercials and episodes of but can they sing. all he will be given is nachos (covered with ray romano cheese) and beer. there will be a toilet in the room, which can't be flushed and is filled with pirahnas and carrot shavings. after 2 days of this he should be drunk enough to marry patricia heaton. directly following the ceremony ray will be given a chance for his life in a cage match with none other than... carrot top. here are the rules, jim bowie style. 2 men walk (ray will limp ) in and a knife is put between them. we will be using a butter knife because i broke my goo one on miss piggy. whoever walks out will live... if they can survive that which even i cannot! they must be dropped from a height of... 3 FEET! horrifying. back to you mike.
Mike: right after these messages we will bring you all the action.