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Replying to:  Bob Threads the complete (so far) tales of Bob by xDon.TM   Jul 22, 2006, 11:48 PM

Bob Orders A Pizza

by go.ta...    Jul 24, 2006, 11:49 PM

So as Bob is driving home from a hard day of mooching whatever he could get for free, he sees the sign of a new local pizza delivery service, advertising "IF YOUR PIZZA IS NOT ON TIME, ITS FREE!!" The slogan reminds Bob how hungry he is, and he dials his Cingular phone and continues on his way home.

Hanging up with the little bitch who placed his order, Bob turned into his driveway and walked quickly through the front door, kicking his sons' toys out of the way. In the process, he broke the leg off A GI Joe. (Mental note for tomorrow: trip to WalMart to complain about the quality of the toys they sell) After hanging up his coat, Bob made a trip around the house examining the clocks. All of them were ten minutes fast, just the way he always kept them.

Exactly 30 minutes after he got home, the door bell rang and Bob grabbed his cell phone (proof of the time he made the order), threw his wallet on the table (he wouldn't be needing it anyway), and answered the door with a smirk on his face.

A gangly teenage boy named Teddy stood on Bob's porch, holding a pizza and looking bored. This was his last delivery of the day, and his XBox and his online friends awaited him at home. "I have a pizza here for...uh...Mr.Bob?"

"Your late." Bob said in answer. "SO my pizza is free."

"Uh...no, sir, my log here says your pizza had to be delivered by 7:45. Its only 7:30. So that'll be 17.50." Teddy balanced the hot bag on his leg and slid the pizza box out, wishing that Mr.Bob would hurry the hell up...He hoped he'd get home in time to join in a tournament.

"WELL---according to MY clock, it isn't 7:30. Its...7:43. SO as I said, my pizza is FREE." Bob laughed an evil little laugh as he pointed to the clock hanging on the wall behind him. His head was back when he reached for the pizza, eyes closed as he marveled at his own genius, when he was startled out of his evil moment. WHY WASNT THIS PIMPLY FACED LITTLE BRAT LETTING GO OF HIS FREE PIZZA!?!?

"WELL, mr.BOB, as I SAID, your pizza was supposed to be delivered by 7:45. Since your clock is just now reading 7:43, I'm technically on time. And if you hadn't spent the last 3 minutes arguing with me, it would have even been EARLY!" It was Teddy's turn to wear a smirk. You see, Teddy was new at the pizza delivery business (Mom and dad were tired of buying all his gaming toys and insisted he find himself a job) and this was his first delivery to Bob's house. He wasn't aware that the other delivery boys had argued over who would be cursed with delivering the pizza, finally deciding to stick it to the new guy. And he wasn't prepared for what came next...

"WELL LOOK AT THE NERVE OF MR.PIZZA DELIVERER!! I want your manager, NOW! This is a ****ing insult to my intellegence...are you saying I cant tell time?!?!"

"Okay sir lets just handle this ourselves. You see, someone has to pay for this pizza. If its not you, it'll be me. This is my first week on the job, and I really don't want to miss up. The new XBox game is coming out next week and--"

"I DONT ****ING CARE!?!? GET YOUR MANAGER HERE NOW!!!!!!!" Bobs face was turning red, and Teddy had a feeling that if he would have been a character on one of his video games, steam would be POURING from Bob's ears...

"Okay, sir let me call him up..." After explaining the whole situation to his manager, Teddy handed the phone to Bob, who promptly stopped muttering under his breath and took the phone.

"Hello sir, Teddy tells me theres a discrepancy over the time your pizza arrived. As our clock is just now reading 7:46, and to go through all that you did with Teddy there, Id have to say your order must have been on time."

"Well, I don't know what a discrepancy is, but Teddy said that it was 7:30 but my clock said 7:43. He said the pizza was supposed to be here at 7:30."

"NO I DIDNT YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH!" Teddy's face was almost the same color as Bob's...he was only 20 dollars short of that new game...sweat appeared along his hair line, and his hands were sticking to his jeans.

"Mr.Bob, we've dealt with this situation before. I would recommend that you take your business elsewhere. Consider this the LAST free pizza from us, okay? Ill tell Teddy to go ahead and leave that with you, if you could kindly give him back the phone?"

"OH, SO NOW YOU DONT WANT MY BUSINESS ANYMORE? FINE, I DEMAND A COUPON FOR FREE PIZZA AT YOUR COMPETITOR, THEN. AND I WANT IT NOW. PLUS I WANT MY MONEY BACK FOR ALL THE TROUBLE YOUVE CAUSED ME. YOU SAID ID HAVE MY PIZZA IN MY HAND AT 7:45 AND ITS 7:50 NOW!! YOU LYING ****ERS, YOU!!!!!!!!!"

"well, Bob, you just admitted that you're pizza was supposed to be to you 7:45, and that Teddy arrived to you at 7:43...So you're lucky we are giving you even this last Pizza for free. And we've been delivering pizzas to you every Friday since we opened 5 weeks ago, and you've NEVER paid for them! So what money am I supposed to give back. Further more, I have no control over any other companies free pizzas so--"

"Yes you do. I know how the whole pizza shop thing works. All the pizza places are actually ran and owned by the same person. And that person is Bill Clinton. And he guaranteed me that it is my right as an American citizen to have free pizza."

This last comment really confused the manager, and he stared at the phone for a moment before continuing. "Okay, Bob. Well, tell Pizza Hut that next Friday when you order from them. Teddy will leave your pizza on the porch, and from now on anytime you call in, we wont take your order. Have a nice life..." He was about to hang up when he rethought his last comment. "Actually, no. HAVE A HORRIBLE LIFE YOU PIECE OF ****!" he shouted, and disconnected.

After Teddy left, Bob opened the pizza, grabbed a gooey, cheesy greasy piece and took a huge bite. With a smile on his face, he shut his front door, walked in his house, and took a seat on his overstuffed couch. Taking another huge bite, he picked up the remote and hit the power button for the TV. Slowly, the realization that the TV was gone hit him like a ton of bricks. He looked around to see a few pictures gone, and some other knickknacks. His eyes finally rested on a note, taped to the counter separating the kitchen from the living room.

His eyes grew large as the impact finally hit---Bob's wife had left him.

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