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Episode 5 of The Adventures of Bob, the Typical Cingular Customer (plus music video!)

by repCB    Aug 15, 2005, 1:59 PM

*This is a Phone Scoop Exclusive World Premier Music Video*

Stan Sigman: Alright DJ, kick it!

*beat starts (to the tune of "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" from the movie "Hustle & Flow")*

[Chorus 2X]
You know it's hard out here for a pimp
when you tryin' to make this money off these gimps
fifty million customers' money spent
and these other carriers are talking sh*t

In my eyes I've seen some crazy phone in these streets
voice and data network hoes makin' money for me
But I gotta keep my game tight like Kobe on game night
cause Verizon got better plans and service, I know that ain't right
I've seen people textin', I've seen people talkin',
I've seen 'em with the Bluetooth headsets while they're walkin',
I love how I live, and that's just how it is
It might be new to you, but it's been like this for years
It's blood sweat and tears when it comes down to this game
I'm tryin' to get rich before the industry gets lame
I'm a greedy, rich, money-hungry bastard and a pimp
So I'm integrating networks and hopin' I don't slip

[Chorus 2X]
You know it's hard out here for a pimp
when you tryin' to make this money off these gimps
fifty million customers' money spent
and these other carriers are talking sh*t

*My apologies to those who don't get the joke. We now return to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress.*

As Stan and I leave the studio, we find our hero Bob walking into a local Wal-Mart, carrying his return in a plastic sack. He stops at the front door to have the greeter put on a pink sticker, and walks towards the customer service desk. He smiles as he reads the sign stating that items may been exchanged within 30 days with receipt. It has always been Bob's motto that the customer is always right, and now he's got written company policy to prove it. He proudly steps up to the counter, and displays the item he wishes to exchange...

Cashier: Milk?

Bob: Yep. Within 30 days, too.

Cashier: Milk?

Bob: Yes, ma'am. Good ole, wholesome, low-fat milk.

Cashier: Milk that expired on July 29th.

Bob: Yes, I see that.

Cashier: Today is August 15th.

Bob: Yes, but I'm within my 30 days. I purchased the milk on July 16th, according to this receipt. I've got a whole day to spare.

Cashier: Sir, the 30-day return & exchange policy doesn't apply once a food item has passed the expiration date.

Bob: But it doesn't say that on your sign!

Cashier: Actually sir, it does. You see on the bottom, where it says
"perishable items not included"?

Bob: No, I never saw that! Why didn't someone tell me that? I never would've bought the milk if I'd known I couldn't exchange it!

Cashier: Well sir, we would generally make an exception if the milk was being exchanged before it expired, but I--

Bob: No no no! I don't want to hear excuses! How was I supposed to know that the milk had an expiration date?!?

Cashier: Sir, calm down. The expiration date is on the front of the carton.

Bob glances at the carton for a moment, then back at the cashier.

Bob: Ha! You expect me to read that??? Who ever looks there?

Cashier: Umm...most people check the expiration date before purchasing milk. It's usually the first thing they look at.

Bob: Well, do I look like most people???

The cashier wants to answer that question, but decides to keep it to herself.

Bob: Look, I feel that I have been misrepresented by Wal-Mart. Now, you can either exchange my milk, you can give me a credit, or you can hear from my lawyer.

Cashier: Well then, let me get you to a phone so we can call your lawyer, and get the legal process started.

Bob: Wh-what???

Cashier: Yeah, maybe we can get this in and out of court in only a matter of months, you think?

Bob is, to say the least, stunned. For the first time, someone has dared to call his legal bluff. Damn these minimum-wage Wal-Mart clerks!

Bob: Well...umm...well I could call...I mean...umm...look, you don't wanna do that. We can save you your job, and me some hassle, by just giving me the credit.

Cashier: I'm sorry sir, but we can't exchange spoiled milk.

Bob: Well, I'm escalating, because this milk was not spoiled when I walked in here today. This would still be perfectly good milk if you hadn't decided to argue with me and waste my time.

Cashier: You're doing what now?

Bob: I'm escalating.

Cashier: ...?

Bob: That means get me your manager.

Cashier: Oh. Ok, why didn't you say so...

Bob waits patiently as the cashier calls for a CSM to assist a customer with an exchange. After about five minutes, a man walks up to Bob and extends his hand to greet him.

Mike: Hi sir, I'm Mike, how can I help you today?

Bob looks at the man's hand, but refuses to shake with him.

Bob: Mike, I'm not a happy customer today. I've been a loyal Wal-Mart customer for fifteen years, but after the poor service I've received today, I'm considering going to your competitor.

Mike: Well, I'm very sorry to hear that. What can I do to change your mind?

Bob: *muttering to himself* goody, a jump-monkey...jump, monkey!

Mike: Excuse me?

Bob: Sorry...thinking out loud...I'd like to exchange this.

Bob hands Mike the milk.

Mike: Oh sure, we can handle th-- oh, oh wait. Sorry, no can do buddy, this milk is expired.

Bob: Yes, I've been through all of this with the young lady. It appears that I was misinformed when I purchased this milk.

Mike: Oh, I see. The milk was purchased after July 29th?

Bob: No, on the 16th. But I'm still within my 30 days.

Mike: I'm sorry sir, but once a food item has expired, we can't accept it back.

Bob: Sure you can, you're the manager. I think you're just not accepting my return to be a jerk. I thought you were gonna be a good little jump-monkey.

Mike: Sir, I don't make the rules, I have to follow them just like any other employee here...and why do you keep calling me a jump-monkey?

Bob: I thought you were gonna jump at my demands to keep me happy, so that I'll stay a Wal-Mart customer instead going to, say...oh, Target? Or K-Mart? Yeah, I'm sure they'll take my milk back at K-Mart.

Mike: They will?

Bob: Yeah, they do it all the time to get Wal-Mart customers. If you won't let me exchange it, then they will, and I'll just become a K-Mart customer.

Mike: Wow. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Maybe you should take it there.

Bob can feel his bottom lip twitch as he is overcome with shock at the fact that his second bluff has been called.

Bob: You're not gonna get away with this. You're evil! All of you, evil! EVIL I TELL YOU...EVIL!!!

Bob grabs his milk and storms towards the door. He stops for a moment before leaving, and turns back to the manager.

Bob: I'll have you know, I'm telling all my friends, family, and neighbors to never shop at Wal-Mart again! I'll make it my personal business to see Wal-Mart go out, yeah.

Mike: Ok sir.


Bob watches as several shoppers stop to stare at him, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go about their business.

Bob: Well, it was worth a try.

Mike rubs his forehead as Bob leaves to head towards a Cingular retail location, where he will blame the expiration of his milk on the merger.

Next: Episode 6...Bob versus the Utility Company, the Ultimate Power Struggle!

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