Episode 4 of The Adventures of Bob, the Typical Cingular Customer
*In the waiting room*
Bob: So, how are you feeling now, sweetheart?
Freckles: How do you think I feel? I've been puking my guts out.
Bob: Umm...that sounds interesting. So...um...
Freckles ignores Bob, as she always does, by downloading some new games and ringtones on her phone.
Bob: Umm...honey, do those things cost money?
Freckles: Nope. The commercial said they're free. I just send a text message to 666HAHAGOTCHABASTARD and I get free ringtones for life.
Bob: Oh. Ok, if you say so, I'll just smile assumingly. So whatever happened to that boyfriend of yours?
Freckles: Nathan? I'd rather not talk about him right now.
The doctor walks in to welcome the two, and Freckles is taken into a separate room. After asking her some questions and checking a few test results, the doctor approaches them with a startling revelation.
Doctor: Bob, I've got some news for you. I don't know how you're going to take it, so I'll just spit it out. Your daughter is pregnant.
Bob: Wha-- but...no, thats not possible.
Doctor: Sir, I understand you're upset. I'll leave you and your daughter alone for a few moments.
The doctor leaves, and Bob stares at his daughter for a few moments. Freckles hangs her head in shame until Bob decides to speak.
Bob: Well? Explain.
Freckles: Uhh...eh....uhh...I don't know what he's talking about, Daddy. I can't be pregnant.
Bob: You can't?
Freckles: No...um...I'm your little baby girl, remember?
Bob: ...alright. Works for me. Call that lying asshole of a doctor back in here.
Freckles calls the doctor back into the room.
Doctor: So, is everything alright?
Bob: Hell no, it's not! You're a damn liar! My daughter is not pregnant, she can't be!
Doctor: Excuse me, sir?
Bob: Yeah, you heard me! I will not stand here and tolerate being lied too. I not only demand that this visit be free, I want a credit!
Doctor: Umm...sir? Bob, is it? First of all, you came to a free clinic. You're not being charged. Second, a credit to what? And third, we've run both blood and urine tests. We've also given your daughter a sonogram, and we've seen the fetus. If you like, I can show you a copy, and we ca--
Bob: I don't wanna see any of your crap! Freckles, tell this man you can't be pregnant.
Freckles: Uh...yeah, I can't be.
Doctor: Really? Freckles, when was the last time you had sex?
Freckles: Hmm...what day is today? I mean...uh...I'm a virgin. yeah. Daddy, I'm a virgin.
Bob: See??? She's a virgin! How dare you accuse her of being a slut?!?
Doctor: But I never called her a sl--
Bob: Just shut up. I'm not paying you, and she's for damn sure not pregnant!
Doctor: But sir, if you'd just let me show y--
Bob: I don't wanna see what you have to show me, it's all lies! You probably implanted something in her anyway! I know how all you doctors are. You try to make money off of us honest, hard-working people by implanting babies in our daughters!
Doctor: Sir, no one is lying to you, and no one at this clinic has implanted anything into your daughter. Sorry for my frankness, but there's a picture of your daughter and her boyfriend in the doggystyle position in her camera phone, for Pete's sake!
Bob: How dare you?!?!? That's it, I'M ESCALATING!!!!
Freckles feels that she is off the hook and not obligated to listen to her father's tirade, so she goes back into the waiting room to download more "free" ringtones.
Doctor: Bob. Calm down. Listen to me and just answer a few questions. Does your daughter have a boyfriend?
Bob: Yeah, but what does that have to do wi--
Doctor: No Bob, just listen and answer the questions. Does she hang out with him?
Bob: Yeah, all the time.
Bob: Well, he has his own place, so they hang out there. Sometimes at my house when I'm at work. Every now and then he's too tired to drive home, so I let him spend the night at my place with Freckles.
Doctor: Please don't tell me you let them sleep in the same room.
Bob: Why not? He's a good kid. He even helps me around the house. You wouldn't believe how many things have to be fixed in that place. Nathan's always either working on my daughter's squeaky headboard, or helping with the plumbing and laying down some pipe. It can be a little noisy at night, but I know he has Freckles' best interest at heart.
The Doctor sighs, shakes his head a bit, rubs his temples and whispers "woo-sah" to himself before speaking to Bob again.
Doctor: Ok. Bob. I can see that you're a very trusting man. Give me one good reason why you believe your daughter is a virgin.
Bob: Because she says so.
Doctor: Because she says so?
Bob: Yeah, she'd never lie to me.
Doctor: Um-hmm. So where did that baby come from?
Bob: There's no baby. Either you're lying, or your equipment is wrong.
Doctor: Hmm...Ok. You're right. There's no baby. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Bob: Yeah, you're damn right you're sorry. I wanna speak to your supervisor.
Doctor: Umm...sir, I am the supervisor, so to speak. I run this clinic.
Bob: Well you just lost a customer, I'll be using your competitor from now on.
The Doctor rolls his eyes as Bob goes back into the waiting room, where Freckles is talking on the phone.
Freckles: Nathan, you bastard! My dad will kill me when I have this baby! Can't you be a man and stand up to your responsibilty??? Why don't you grow a set?!?
Bob: Baby, everything alright?
Freckles: Huh? Oh, yeah, a kid at school owes me a dollar. Uh...what'd the doctor say?
Bob: Don't worry, Daddy has everything under control. Come on, we'll get some ice cream on the way home.
Bob and Freckles leave the clinic, as the doctor smiles at his secretary.
Doctor: Set up an appointment for Bob and his daughter, at our nearest "competitor".
Secretary: Our what?
Doctor: Don't ask. Just set it up for nine months from now.
Next: Episode 5...Warranty Exchange! Plus, Stan Sigman in "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp!"
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