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Scandal at the Top

by djdelay    Dec 3, 2005, 4:16 PM

A very reliable insider source, whom this reporter shall refer to as Shallow Throat, has come forward with documentation and both audio and video recordings that will shock the world. It would not be an understatement to say that this may be the greatest scandal of all time.

Tracfone, the mobile communications giant, is the home to what can only be described as FCC liscenced organized crime. The upper eschelon of the management at Tracfone is like a guild of murderers, thieves, and blackguards. Atrocity after atrocity have been committed under their watchful eye and covered by their ever sinister hand. What follows are a few of the confirmed reports that Shallow Throat has relayed:

1. F.J. Pollak, president and CEO of Tracfone, is secretly a cereal killer. He has committed murders for years now, but has always been able to fly underneath the radar of both local law enforcement and the FBI. Shallow Throat revealed to us that the chief executive officer usually finds his prey at local supermarkets in view of the public. There he stalks down and kidnaps his victims, at which point he takes them back home. Once home, he then drowns his victims. His weapon of choice, according to Shallow Throat, is milk. It is unknown what becomes of them afterwards, but reportedly his victims include both a captain and a count.

2. The Tracfone board of directors is the driving force behind the rise in oil prices. This small group of republican titans is in direct control of mineral speculation and oil distribution. The oil sheiks and petroleum conglomorates, who were thought to be responsible, are simply puppets whose strings are taut by Tracfone, the puppet master. Shallow Throat was also quick to point out that both the Iraqi War and Hurricanes Katrina and Rita had nothing to do with the recent shifts in pricing. They were simply distractions from the true determinant. She says that oil prices are directly correlative to the amount of media exposure given to Brad Pitt's relationships. The more we hear about Jen and Brad or Angelina and Brad, the more we pay (in more ways than one, this reporter would like to point out).

3. Tracfone is responsible for some of the greatest atrocities in the history of all mankind. What historians refer to as the Illuminati, FreeMasons, Skull & Bones, and the Scarlet Society are all facets of one ingenious, sinister secret society. That society is the Tracfone elite. They are the force that has caused some of the most horrific tragedies throughout humanity. Here are a few confirmed examples:

    The execution of Socrates.
    The bribery of Judas Iscariot.
    The sack of rome.
    The "Dark Ages."
    The "black death."
    The inquisition.
    The assassination of Arch-Duke Franz-Ferdinand II.
    "New" Coke.
    Joey, the Friends spinoff.

There are many more disturbing things that Shallow Throat has revealed, but they have not been confirmed as of yet. More updates as confirmations arrive.

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